Friday, April 14, 2023


Hi, all! 

So I'm really struggling. Over the past 5 days I've had 4 severe panic attacks and near constant anxiety all day long. I don't know what's changed... I was doing great for the 2 days after my stimulator adjustment appt on Friday last week. But ever since Sunday I've just been a mess. I'm experiencing near constant generalized anxiety all day long–which will very often (and has) turn/ed into severe panic attacks. 
Last night my panic attack was so bad–and my Dad said some extremely hurtful things re/ me and my illness/recovery that I actually attempted suicide again for the 3rd time. I hung myself with my belt from my bathroom door. The only thing that stopped me from blacking out was that I threw up all over my clothes and the floor–so I took the belt off of my neck and cleaned up the mess... Then I immediately went downstairs and admitted what I did to my Mom. We were thinking that I may need to go to an inpatient facility... But we ultimately decided against it because there is really nothing they can do for me there aside from keeping me safe from myself. Every single mental health facility/in-patient facility in Portland gets SHITE reviews. So that's scarred me off from ever admitting into one. We've decided that we're going to take all precautions to make sure that I''m safe at my house. That means not having access to car keys, medications, belts, rope, etc... I think staying at home and riding out the wave at home is the RIGHT thing to do for me. 

I MyChart messaged my Neurologist this AM and told her what's going on. I've been keeping in close contact with her–so that's good! We may have my DBS settings/parameters adjusted again down here in Portland. I may have to meet up with my Medtronic rep here in Portland again to have her adjust my settings. 

Anyways, friends... PLEASE pray for me in this difficult time. I am SO freakin' sick of dealing with my ill mind. I wish it would all just go away overnight. But I know this is NOT how this DBS works and that it takes time. I just hope I can and will be able to hold out 'til the better times come... It's getting harder to stay here every day. Thanks for keeping up to date with my blog–thanks for reading!


  1. So very sorry, Mitch. Please have a therapist you can call to talk you through hard times. There is a suicide number to call and talk with someone. Keep connected. So sorry.

    1. Thank you for your concern! I'm doing much better now. (Read my updated blog posts). I have been having weekly appts with my therapist now and am in a much better place mentally. I do have the SW WA/Portland, OR crisis line on my phone and also the national suicide hotline #... But generally when I'm having severe SI or am suicidal the last thing I feel like doing is talking to someone...