Monday, May 1, 2023

I feel like a freak taking so much medication...

Above is a photo of my weekly pill container just after I filled it for the new week. 13 pills daily, nearly 100 pills per week. Man, I feel like a freak taking this much psychotropic medication. It's hard, because I'm dependant on it... I know I need to keep taking it in order to stay stable. But I just want nothing more than to be able to stop taking all of these. I hate feeling sedated all day long, I hate the side effects, I hate the akathisia I get if I forget to take a medication or accidentally miss a dose. I'm hoping with my DBS that once we get the parameters honed-in that I'll be able to stop taking some of my medication. That's my psychiatrist and neurologist's hope, too. If I can get down to just 3 or 4 medications–that would be GREAT! I've been on over 35+ different medications over the years... And I feel like I've been a lab rat taking all these different medications and doing trials of different meds + various med cocktails.
I'm not anti-medication, per se. I do think that psychiatric medication can be VERY helpful indeed. But in western medicine, psych drugs are way over-prescribed. Too many adults (AND CHILDREN) are on this crap. The side effects of these drugs are not well studied, and they can often end up causing dependency and addiction. That being said I do feel like SOME of my medication is helpful. For example, the benzos and the beta-blockers + my Tourette's medication. I just hope someday I can be semi-normal and not be on so much medication. It's so annoying having to stay on top of my medication refills and making sure I always have enough in stock, etc. 
Anyways, I have my next DBS programming appt on May 12th. So just about a week and a half away. I'm hoping that my team can get my DBS parameters honed-in and that I can start feeling even more relief. I'm feeling SO much better after lowering the dose of my Haldol last week and starting my new beta-blocker medication called Propranolol. I'm hoping that with the change in DBS parameters that I can be set-in-stone and start feeling all good again! 

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