Monday, May 8, 2023


Hey, all! So I've really been struggling these past 4 weeks since my last programming appt. I've been suffering from SEVERE anxiety 24/7 CONSTANT–all day long and also many panic attacks. This anxiety's been so crippling. All I've been able to do is lay on the couch all day long on my phone and just try to prevent the anxiety about the anxiety. My panic attacks have become more frequent again. I had a HORRIFIC panic attack last night (5/7/23). I was SOOOO suicidal. It was BAD. My parents almost took me to the emergency room. I was so ready to kill myself last night. I know that I still have hope with my DBS and the programming of it... But I just feel so hopeless right now. It's been 5-FREAKING YEARS of dealing with all this BULLSH*T! It's like, "c'mon, man (God)... When is this going to end?".

I'm hoping I can last 'til Friday when I have an appt up at UW in Seattle for my DBS programming. I'm hoping they can get me on some new settings that will prove to be effective and therapeutic for me. It's been hard, because literally for the past 4 weeks I've only spent like 4 days at my apartment. The rest of the days I've been living at my parent's. It's hard because I love my apartment and love having my own space. I want to be able to keep my apartment and not end the lease next month when it's up if I'm still struggling w/ anxiety and panic. I would feel like a TOTAL loser living at home at age 25yrs old. Plus that's not attractive to women AT ALL. (But it's not like I'm very attractive to begin with–with my situation and all). 

Anyways, please pray for me friends! Please pray that I find comfort and peace ASAP. Please pray that I don't choose to give up and that I choose to stay here on this earth. Please pray that my doctors and team can help me and that these new DBS parameters that I'll be receiving on Friday will be helpful and therapeutic for me. Also please pray that I maintain a relationship with God. My faith has been shaken immensely–and I'm starting to lose faith in God. Anyways, thanks everyone for the continued support and for all your prayers throughout this difficult process.

Much love! 

– Mitch 

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